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DHS Can Suck a Nut  
06:43pm 17/02/2011
 
 
Amy
Oh jeez, I hate to blame my problems on someone or something else. However, I just gotta vent why I hate my case worker. I hate her with a fiery passion of doom. One, they sent me a letter indicating I needed to do a telephone interview on the tenth. She didn't call that day, I called her and left a message.

She called back same day, but I wasn't available. She left a pissy message indicating I shouldn't have been waiting for her call. What? Anyway, we eventually talk on the eleventh. I'm already stressed to the nines with my real life and she was downright evil to me. Evil enough that I really should make a recipient right's complaint, but I don't even have it in me to do that.

However, by the time the panic attack I had on the phone with her was over, I was under the impression that everything was going to be ok. So, I let it all slide. I probably shouldn't. Anyway, just yesterday I get a whole boat load of bs in the mail. One of wich was the exact same notice of my interview for the tenth. Dated sent out on the fifteenth. Great. Then, there was another letter indicating that I missed my telephone interview and that everything was going to be cut off. WTF? FML.

It's bad enough that this lady's attitude and consideration for the people she provides services for is not important to her. She doesn't know or care to...based on our last convo...why I need these services to stay on my meds as it is. I'm already in a bad place. Then, they go and talk about cutting my services off altogether like I did something wrong. I'm sorry lady, that I sent you too much info and that you didn't want to talk to me the day that we had a scheduled interview and you want to blame me for your not doing your job.

I'm sorry that I failed you, but you failed me and used your powers for evil! I hate you, you bitch. I hope you never need something as bad as I need my services to stay where they are. I'm eligible for them, I did nothing to get them denied, save for whatever cuts may be coming just because they are inevitable. But, yeah, I did nothing to deserve being belittled the way she did on the phone...let alone being sent 3 pieces of arguing information...none of which telling me what she did by the end of the call...that it was going to be ok. Fucking sigh. It certainly won't be ok when my meds send me even further down the drain and I show up at her office with...oh who am I kidding...I won't do shit. Not like that, anyway.

I probably need to be hospitalized...
mood: anxiousanxious
 
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Just another Manic Monday  
09:54am 14/02/2011
 
 
Amy
It's been a very, very long time since I have posted here. I finally got a computer of my own again and I am currently going through some pretty seriously tumultuous baggage, even for me. I am finding that all of my friends are going through their own versions of said tumult and therefore, there really does feel like an overwhelming loneliness and distance among us all. Like, we're all suffering in the same room. Talking to each other, no one's hearing because all we can hear are the voices in our heads telling us that now's our turn to speak... but we can't hear what the silence is saying anymore...about the ones we used to care about...even if that only means ourselves.

As I drudge up my own issues, I'm scared. I'm scared of being honest with myself or most of the people left I still love. I really am generally annoyed with everyone. I'm annoyed with the pressures people place on us to hang out and seem to understand the financial strains of not being able to spend anything right now, but when it comes down to it, they just ignore the facts and expect certain things on certain days anyway... and out of obligation we continue to do this... perpetuating this kind of bullshit...

But that's just one thing that grinds my gears and as per usual, once I get writing again for the first time, it takes me awhile to get to the hard part. I have a hard time admitting certain emotionally awkward facts to MYSELF.

Anger isn't an emotion I am comfortable with. I usually project it in some kind of irritated comedy at best, but when I have true anger, true desire to end the life of another--some would find the reasons very justified, but I am too weak to share those facts--and then the reality that it's much easier to end my own... because I'm always exposed to simple ways to take a chemical cocktail of lethal proportions. I also know just the right times and places to drive to make it pretty smooth, fast, and relatively painless. I have fewer and fewer people left on my list of people I even give a shit about anymore...and an even smaller list than that, I'm sure, of who gives a shit about me.

I just don't see a recovery from the kind of damage this has done without opening up a new barrel of monkeys. I'm not the first person to experience the clinical issues individually, but the combo is enough to set anyone off!

I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. He visits me there in my dreams. Ironically, when I do get to sleep, if my body doesn't wake me up in flashes, I don't want to wake up...ever. I'm just as much afraid of each day's harsh reality and drama as I am of what my nightmares remind me of. Mostly, because I worry if it's happening to her/them/others too. Mostly because I worry that my inability to talk...how ironic...is potentially impeding safety.

I hate my family. I love them, really I do, but I hate them just the same. If I could afford to run away from ALL of them and everything...but somehow keep the people who have earned and kept my trust...it'd be done in a heartbeat.

I hate today too. I hate the pressures this fucking Hallmark holiday places on us. To feel less than adequate when we can't afford to shower our lover with chocolate, roses, or any token at all, really. When we can't afford it emotionally or financially. I love him, he keeps me wanting to live...but I know I blame him for things that only my brain's to blame. Or my inability to be up front anymore... knowing he has enough on his emotional plate...but just wanting to be important enough to ASK me anything anymore... give a shit about me verbally again..I dunno. Lack of sleep. Lack of ability to share completely yet. But, it's a start. And I'm proud of myself for that much.


Worthless Lyrics
Alex Bach

When I come to your back door I leave behind my dignity.
But love is stronger than pride and you bite my tongue for me.
If I come to your front door, will you turn out the light?
Or will you make me feel human for just one more night?
And I ask...

Chorus:
Is it my fault for trying to be your lover?
Or is it my fault for trying to be your friend?
Baby, can't you see that I'm not like all the others
So why'd you just make me feel Worthless again?

When you swallow your fear you let down all your fences,
But the condom hits the floor and you come to your senses.
I didn't kill your mother, but you treat me like a whore
Don't blame me for the women who broke your heart before
And I scream...

Chorus

Bridge:
I ask how long must I wait? You say I shouldn't waste your time.
I say, I'm sorry, it's too late you've already wasted mine
I feel so worthless, so goddamned useless.
Do you think I'm clueless? 'Cause you act like you do....

And when the sun comes up, my illusions go down.
A convenient fuck 'cause I'm always around.
But ONE MORE STAB and my wounded heart will bleed.
So you'd better choose fast 'cause I'm ready to leave....

Chorus




/Courage Lyrics, Orianthi/

Take all my vicious words
And turn them into something good
Take all my preconceptions
And let the truth be understood
Take all my prized possessions
Leave only what I need
Take all my pieces of doubt
And let me be what's underneath
Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway
We all have excuses why
Living in fear something in us dies
Like a bird with broken wings
It's not how high he flies,
But the song he sings
Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway
It's not how many times you've been
knocked down
It's how many times you get back up
Courage is when you've lost your way,
But you find your strength anyway
Courage is when you're afraid
Courage is when it all seems grey
Courage is when you make a change,
And you keep on living anyway
You keep on moving anyway
You keep on giving anyway
You keep on loving anyway

/Dog Now Tricks Lyrics, Garbage/

I wish I had not woke up today
Everyone mistakes the things you say
Take the simple truth and
Twist it all around
Make it sound important and make it seem profound

Dog new tricks
Nothing you learn will stick
Dog new tricks
You make me feel so worthless

Everyone I know has gone away
Died or left or just forgot to stay
Sometimes took for granted
Sometimes turned away
Sometimes didn't say what I meant to say

Dog new tricks
Nothing you learn will stick
Dog new tricks
You make me feel so worthless

I never would have pegged you
For what you have become
Everyone lies, everyone cheats
Not like you've done

Dog new tricks
Nothing you've learned will stick
Dog new tricks
You make me feel so worthless

Dog new tricks
Nothing you've learned will stick
Dog new tricks
You make me feel so worthless

Nothing you learn
Nothing you learn
Nothing you learn


/Circle The Drain Lyrics, Katy Perry/

This is the last time you say
After the last line you break
It's not even a holiday
Nothing to celebrate
You give a hundred reasons why
And say you're really gonna try
If I had a nickel for everytime
I'd overbank

Thought that I was the exception
I could rewrite your addiction
You could've been the greatest
But you'd rather get wasted

(Chorus)
You fall asleep during foreplay
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down

Wanna be your lover
Not your f****** mother
Can't be your saviour
I don't have the power
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain

You say you have to write your rhymes
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despise
A stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll
But you're really just a joke
Had the world in the palm of your hands
But you f****** choked

Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me
You won't remember in the morning

(Chorus) x 2
You fall asleep during foreplay
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down

Wanna be your lover
Not your f****** mother
Can't be your saviour
I don't have the power
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain

Watch you circle the drain
Watch you circle the drain
La la da da da da, da, da
La la da da da da, da, da
You're goin' down

You fall asleep during foreplay
'Cause the pills you take are more your forte
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down

/If You Seek Amy Lyrics/
La la la lala la la la
La la la lala la la la
La la la lala la la la
La la la lala la la la

Oh baby, baby
Have you seen Amy tonight?
Is she in the bathroom ?
Is she smokin' up outside?
(Oh!)

Oh baby, baby
Does she take a piece of lime
For the drink that Imma buy her
Do you know just what she likes?
(Oh!)

Oh Oh
Tell me have you seen her
'Cause I'm so
Oh
I can't get her off of my brain

I just want to go to the party she gon' go
Can somebody take me home
Haha hehe haha ho

Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to If You Seek Amy

(Love me, hate me)
La la la lala la la la
La la la lala la la la

Amy told me that she's gonna meet me up
I don't know where or when and now they're closing up the club
(Oh!)

I've seen her once or twice before she knows my face
But it's hard to see with all the people standing in the way
(Oh!)

Oh oh
Tell me have you seen her
'Cause I'm so
Oh
I can't get her off of my brain

I just want to go to the party she's gonna go
Can somebody take me home
Haha hehe haha ho

Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to If You Seek Amy

Oh
Say what you want about me
Oh
But can't you see what I see
Oh
Say what you want about me

So tell me if you've seen her (let me know what she was wearing and what she was like)
Cause I've been waiting here forever (let me know where she was going I don't mind)
Oh baby baby
If You Seek Amy tonight
Oh
Oh baby baby
We'll do whatever you like
Oh baby baby baby
Oh baby baby baby

La la la lala la la la
La la la lala la la la
La la la lala la la la
La la la lala la la la

Love me hate me
Say what you want about me (Say what ya want about me!)
But all of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to If You Seek Amy (If you seek amy...)
Love me hate me
But can't you seek what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy (you seek Amy!...)
Love me hate me
Say what you want about me (yeah)
Yeah
Love me hate me
But can't you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to If You Seek Amy

Oh (love me hate me)
Say what you want about me
Oh
But can't you see what I see (love me hate me)
Oh Say what you want about me

All of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to If You Seek Amy


"Versions Of Violence"

Coercing or leaving
Shutting down and punishing
Running from rooms, defending
Withholding, justifying

These versions of violence
Sometimes subtle sometimes clear
And the ones that go unnoticed
Still leave their mark once disappeared

Diagnosing, analyzing
Unsolicited advice
Explaining and controlling,
Judging opining and meddling

These versions of violence
Sometimes subtle sometimes clear
And the ones that go unnoticed
Still leave their mark once disappeared

This labeling
This pointing
this sensitive's unraveling
This sting I've been ignoring
I feel it way down way down

These versions of violence
Sometimes subtle sometimes clear
And the ones that go unnoticed
Still leave their mark once disappeared
mood: cynicalcynical
 
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RANT + LYRICS  
05:14am 29/01/2009
 
 
Amy
I have never known jealousy. It's very weird for me. Such an irrational feeling. Such lack of control of my thoughts. Such bullshit I don't know if it's PTSD, PMS, my anxiety over being out of my anxiety meds (oh the irony) and going through withdrawal, not having any green as a backup, or a legit fear after having lost so many things this past year that I truly cannot afford to lose another thing...even if that thing is imagined in the loss or actuality to begin with...just thinking about change at all in that area is scary right now...it was the only half way decent thing going on in my life...and somehow my brain is sabotaging me...

I want a labotamy. Stat. This is getting outta hand. Allofit. I need a break from my own existence. I am in pain without pain meds right now too...damned fibro flare ups...and cold temps' effects. I'm such a whiney dopey bitch sometimes.













This ol' highway's getting longer
Seems there ain't no end in sight
To sleep would be best, but I just can't afford to rest
I've got to ride in Denver tomorrow night

I called the house but no one answered
For the last two weeks no one's been home
I guess she's through with me, to tell the truth I just can't see
What's kept the woman holding on this long

And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old

The competition's getting younger
Tougher broncs, you know I can't recall
The worn out tape of Chris LeDoux, lonely women and bad booze
Seem to be the only friends I've left at all

And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old

Lord, I'm much too young to feel this damn old

This ol' highway's getting longer
Seems there ain't no end in sight
To sleep would be best, but I just can't afford to rest
I've got to ride in Denver tomorrow night

I called the house but no one answered
For the last two weeks no one's been home
I guess she's through with me, to tell the truth I just can't see
What's kept the woman holding on this long

And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old

The competition's getting younger
Tougher broncs, you know I can't recall
The worn out tape of Chris LeDoux, lonely women and bad booze
Seem to be the only friends I've left at all

And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old

Lord, I'm much too young to feel this damn old

This ol' highway's getting longer
Seems there ain't no end in sight
To sleep would be best, but I just can't afford to rest
I've got to ride in Denver tomorrow night

I called the house but no one answered
For the last two weeks no one's been home
I guess she's through with me, to tell the truth I just can't see
What's kept the woman holding on this long

And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old

The competition's getting younger
Tougher broncs, you know I can't recall
The worn out tape of Chris LeDoux, lonely women and bad booze
Seem to be the only friends I've left at all

And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old

Lord, I'm much too young to feel this damn old

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If I Were A Boy lyrics

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy
mood: aggravatedaggravated
 
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(no subject)  
06:53pm 22/12/2007
 
 
Amy

glitter-graphics.com


glitter-graphics.com
 
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Brian  
09:45pm 20/11/2007
 
 
Amy
Go Away, Pink

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I love you so
Much more when you're not here
Watchin all the bad shows
Drinking all of my beer

I don't believe Adam and Eve
Spent every goddamn day together
If you give me some room there will be room enough for two

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

I don't wanna wake up with another
But I don't wanna always wake up with you either
No you can't hop into my shower
All I ask for is one fuckin' hour
You taste so sweet
But I can't eat the same thing every day
Cuttin' off the phone
Leave me the fuck alone
Tomorrow I'll be beggin' you to come home

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
Why can't I just have it both ways
Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
I wish you knew the difference
Go away
Come back

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I'm tired
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you

*Sometimes I think we BOTH feel like this. I hate that when things are ok I look for them not to be. I hate that I allow life stuff to get in the way of relationship stuff even when I am fighting to not call it one. I'm trying to ignore all of the stuff about him that would have been a deal breaker for me in my past. I'm trying to enjoy the mystery and the normalcy of someone who has such a strong lust for me. I hate that I carry a mental list of his flaws where I have to fight leaving well enough alone. I know we're not serious. I know he tells me things that he forgets when he's sober. I know that he doesn't want either of us to be vulnerable. That's fine, that's been my game from the start. I'm over putting it all out there to give another human ammunition to play on your insecurities. Whatever. I thought I was going to talk about this more, but really, my whole life feels like one big oxymoronic fight for balance. The whole thing's kind of fucked up and I can't see any of the sunlight between the trees, despite my impeccable rationalization for all of it.
mood: annoyedannoyed
 
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Confused Conundrum from an Epiphentic Moment  
09:36pm 19/11/2007
 
 
Amy
Recap of the moment:

Being near death-sick can be both epiphanetic AND sucky beyond existence.

Regardless of life's 'anything', Holidays ALWAYS make me miss Chris and his family.

Being out of work this long makes one feel truly incompetent and disabled...even if you have been near-death for 3 weeks.

Casual intimate relationships with people (1 person regularly for the past 7 weeks) who is seemingly alcoholic and needy (and conveniently forgetful of either the nicest or rudest things they say) aren't as fun and interesting as they might seem to be (around, having serious talks with) on the surface, despite a million orgasms a week from someone you are extremely physically attracted to. Go fig? LOL

People being pissed off at you and your suddenly not caring about that when you have always cared too much is weird as fuck. Weirder to very much care about them, but not the petty-seeming issues that made you feel guilty before. You don't know if it's some byproduct of depression or a...a...a... byproduct of the epiphany telling you to grow up and create your own happiness.

That's about it. Nothing new in the way of job related bullshit, but luckily that hasn't kept me from living...despite having a shitload of really bad luck for almost a month...from bruising the fuck out of my knee (to the bone or whatever) to losing charge in my truck and getting stranded to being super-sick to having an interviewer actually call you back and say they changed their mind on giving you the second interview they scheduled...lots of life crap that I guess is normal that sometimes feels overwhelming when the 'fill-line' on the measuring cup of my guilt-cake mixer is pretty much overfilled with one thing: JOB. MONEY. TRAPPED.

Whatever. Doom. ADD. Sick of filling out applications. Can't they read my fuckin resume', same info listed there!? Geesh. Blah. Good news is that I have mostly stopped smoking...from two seperate, but similar sources: brokedom AND being deathly ill. I have the odd one on a drinking night...or 3, but not 20! and I have the odd half a one when someone says something that irks my sensitivity in such a way that I would like to have serious confrontation, but decide to bite my tongue...

But to give you a concept of how much I've cut down, I was smoking a half a pack on a bad day. Basically a pack every two and a half days either way up. Now, the same pack that I had left from Rob's party on the 2nd was just finished yesterday! And that's only b/c I had 4 of them while drinking and a half after Brian pissed me off...so, bad day yesterday or not, a pack lasted me 2.5 weeks!!! So, I can do it. I'm going to do it. Fuck who's in my way. If Brian or anyone else causes me to want to smoke very often, I'm done...I don't want to do it...and so maybe I just need to avoid the things that make me want to do it...until I somehow cultivate that coping mechanism that the incarnates keep trying to teach me...or WHATEVER.
mood: morosemorose
 
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Karma can be a bitch  
05:20am 01/11/2007
 
 
Amy
I think karma is paying me back in its sick little way for never truly understanding how Chris could be unemployed for soooo long (secretly and not so secretly doubting through his efforts from time to time). I have been VERY actively seeking employment for two months now. Today marks that occasion. I have been on about ten main interviews and a plethora of phone interviews and call-back ones. I have been sending out no fewer than 40 resumes via career builder and other sites in each span of about two weeks. The first month I sent out about that many every 3 days, more on Sundays when the NEW jobs hit the posting boards. My heart hurts inside that no matter how I tried to understand what Chris was going through-and even Alice some days to a lesser degree-that I could not.

I was the lucky one. I was marketable and quick to the punches. I interviewed so well in the past that I was usually made into a production star of sorts. I was dotted on and praised for minor prior accomplishments and resume bullet points. I was doing as much of the interviewing as they were in that I had my choice pickins if you will. I had several jobs to choose from and was never unemployed longer than two weeks save for the month and a half I chose to be when I quit Nordstrom and had a few grand in savings to cover such extravagance.

Gone are those days for sure. I look back and cannot believe how many jobs I have given up on and the short list that have done the same to me. I have stories of transition in life and journey that each one brings me, but sadly, I don't think the interviewers care all that much. I am currently overqualified for what will hire me (although, that is implying I have had offers that simply have not been made, I know it to be true) and under qualified for the careers that I think I could truly make a difference in. I am not limiting myself in where I send my resumes in distance, finance, or title. I am sending to anyone at this point. I am covered for about two more weeks, financially, in this mess. I am fucked beyond recognition past that point.

Basically, this is my appology to myself for moving to Indiana before my schooling was complete and fucking myself up financially in such a way that 45 credits to go seems a lifetime away. I am appologizing with equal fervor to friends who have gone through this...some still. It is a lesson the job gods wanted me to know I suppose, that in these tough times, a job is a gift and not a play toy to toss away when the drama or hours or confusion and even betrayal bring about the whim. Karma, if you're listening, I believe the message is recieved and I am ready to move on from this one...for real this time.
mood: anxiousanxious
 
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(no subject)  
07:17am 13/10/2007
 
 
Amy
Because LJ makes a habit out of making me post these willy-bloddy-nilly:

You are 74% English.

You are either native and stupid, or you are foreign and knowledgeable.

"And did those feet
In ancient times,
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
In England's pleasant pastures seen?"

Well, no, but it's a cracking good tune.

How English are you?
Create a Quiz




What mental disorder do you have?
Your Result: GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)

You can never seem to calm down and always feel anxious for unknown reasons. You tend to not be able to concentrate and have headaches or other anxiety symptoms.

Manic Depressive
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
Paranoia
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
What mental disorder do you have?
mood: coldcold
 
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(no subject)  
01:55am 12/10/2007
 
 
Amy
Visit lustsign.com to learn your Lustsign!
 
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i fucking touched GWEN MOTHAFUCKIN STEFANI, BITCHES  
12:40am 04/06/2007
 
 
Amy
OK, So, I just totally died and went into a trance, a form of Nirvana, euphoria's paradise, yesterday! Long story short: I FUCKING TOUCHED THE HOTNESS OF GWEN STEFANI LAST NIGHT AS SHE WAS NO FEWER THAN 4 INCHES HOISTED ABOVE MY BODY!!!!!!!! I THINK THAT MY HEART STOPPED, I SPONTANEOUSLY ORGASMED, AND REALIZED THAT SHE IS EVERY BIT OF BEAUTIFUL AS HER TALENTS. I took my lil sis, O, to see her for her 16th...and a preemptive self birthday pressie for my own 25th. I got VIP seats, we got to have our pixies taken on a "red carpet" and skip the long waits for things like bathrooms, beverages, and parking. We also got to sit in a cute little bar whilst the two lame ass ghetto openers played. The asian influenced costuming was as spectacular as expected, but seriously, when she rushed the crowd to our pavillion and stood on a speaker box above my trembling body, allowed us to touch her, and spoke from her heart...and lead into "Cool," I quite frankly think that I came in my pants. The woman is a goddess, what can I say?It was worth every bit of teh overpricing I experienced. And Ms. O, you don't know it yet, but thanks for not letting me know you could make it until all of the cheap lawn seats sold out. Without this occurance, I would not have been inspired to brave the VIP. _Very increased pricing_???????????????????????????????????????????????
Other than my own "inappropriate" body functions to the reaction of having this happen, it was nearly out of body like and quiete possibly the coolest thing to ever happen to me. Extra excited, I am, that ND is comming out with a new album in 08, but I've known this for awhile. It was awsome the way she shared so much of her personal life in front of 23000 fans and with her camcorder in hand said "I wanna show Kingston what Mommy was doing he took his first steps and she missed it." PERFORMING IN FRONT OF THE BIGGEST FUCKING CRAZIEST GROUP the tour has seen thus far!!!! W00T! OK, sorry, I will be squeeing about this for a looooong time. It wasn't enough to have a kickass time or scream my lungs out, but to TOUCH A GODDESS AND SHARE THAT MOMENT...as small as it may have seemed to someone else...I love that bitch...and would have probably had a heart attack had it been even longer than the 3.5 minutes she stood hovering above me....WHOA FUCKING DANG! I can die a happy bitch.
mood: hornyhorny
music: U STARTED IT, GS
 
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